Let's face it, if you're attending a Super Bowl party on Sunday, the majority of people there won't know a thing about football. I sit down every Sunday for twenty weeks and watch the games with the same group of 3-10 people. We get together because we like everything about football. We love to argue crazy things like the current stability of Al Davis' mind, why Mike Singletary may be the world's craziest person, or how Andy Reid ever played quarterback, and how does he actually fit all that weight into that small of a frame. But the Super Bowl is different. Everyone goes to a Super Bowl party because it's social convention. All will be there to make an appearance to show everyone that they're a "sports" guy/gal, but most people there fit into one of these seven categories. 

1) The Diehards

Diehards are the guys who show up every Sunday just to remind you that picking Steve Slaton over Chris Johnson in your fantasy draft was stupider than the time you decided to bareback it in Tijuana. They were there to cheer against your team and against whatever way you thought a challenge should go. They can explain why press coverage works on small receivers and why tight ends are so effective over the middle. 

What they'll be doing at the Super Bowl party: 

If they have a rooting interest in the game, they will sit there, glued to the television, refusing to acknowledge anything going on in their immediate surroundings. If anyone tries to engage them in conversation, that person will be met with an Undertaker-like death stare and something to the effect of, "I'm trying to watch the game".

If they have no rooting interest, they will likely get as drunk as possible, then eat so much they start sweating. Once they've found an acceptable davenport to nest in (one undoubtedly close to the bathroom), they will spend the rest of the evening talking trash to the less educated football fans and hitting on the woman in their closest proximity, while having a healthy crust of chicken wing sauce embedded on their faces.

2) The know-it-all who clearly doesn't know-it-all

Your typical fair-weather fan. He will show up in a Brett Favre Packers jersey and pretend like he knows the ins and outs of the game.

What they'll be doing at the Super Bowl party:

These people are troublesome to a multitude of people. First, they will start using "official football jargon". They will look for ways to drop authentic football terms like "forward lateral" and "penalty marker", all while commenting on how straight a kicker's Point After Touchdown went. Just to show they know about other sports too, they may drop in an equally awkward and dated comment like, "Did you see Shaq O'Neil slam dunk over Michael Jordan the other night." This generally tends to annoy the die-hards. At the same time it irritates any casual fan, because they simple don't want to hear this know-it-all lecture about football.

3) The Casual Fan

The casual fan shows up because his friends are there, and let's face it, what else is really going on the first Sunday in February?

What they'll be doing at the Super Bowl party: 

He'll spend most of the night enjoying the luscious nacho dip and sipping on some brew. He'll watch the game for a bit, ask a few questions about any obscure rule that may come up and be very pleasant about it. Eventually his keen senses will help him locate the other casual fans and will spend the rest of the night gabbing with them about financial reports and the new season of Lost. 

4) The drunk single female

There is no better situation for a desperate, single chick than a Super Bowl party. Unlike a dance-club or yoga, the setting is already guy friendly. There's beer, a lot of food, and football. Throw on a pink Tony Romo jersey and a pair of tight pants/slutty shorts and you'll be center of some guy's attention.

What they'll be doing at the Super Bowl party:

She'll be on the move from couch to couch trying to find a guy so comatose that they've lost the energy to tell her to go away. She gets mocked from any couple that is there and enrages all the respectable woman with her behavior that may or may not cost women everywhere their suffrage.     

5) The Chick who knows more than you about football 

She's the girl who's dad wishes she came out a boy, so he treated her like one anyways.

What they'll be doing at the Super Bowl party:  

She has only purpose one purpose: to humiliate men everywhere. She starts off slowly, correctly calling the game's first three plays. She then continues the emasculation when she gets into why the Colts prefer to zone blitz out of the nickel package. Men dislike her because she knows too much. Women secretly like her because she knows more than the guys, but openly flash antipathy in her direction because they don't want the guys to hate them too. GIRL POWER!!!   

6) The Soccer Guy

The soccer guy cheers on kickers and punters as he wonders out loud how so many North Americans watch this and not soccer.  

What they'll be doing at the Super Bowl party:

Soccer guy will instantly get on everyone's nerves the first time he refers to soccer as football and football as American football. Eventually, one of the drunken diehards will have enough of this and tell him that soccer sucks and so does he. And, in typical soccer fashion, he'll start to cry, then lay motionless on the ground after faking a heart attack. 

7) The Couple 

An established couple isn't so bad, but a first Super Bowl for a new couple can be very strenuous on the bond. The guy can be any one of the above (Yes, even the girl who knows too much about football. That would actually go a long way into why she knows so much about football.) The girl is always the same -- she knows nothing about football. 

What they'll be doing at the Super Bowl party:

She'll feign interest by asking her boyfriend a series of football-related questions that he may or may not know the answer to, while never admitting he doesn't know an answer. Eventually, she'll tire of this game, and they'll find a secluded spot where they can judge everyone else in the room. She'll comment on everything from how big of losers your friends are because they're too drunk and yelling at each other over whether the girl in the new GoDaddy.com commercial is hotter than last year's, to disgust over the booty shorts the drunk girl is wearing because, "I wouldn't even want to be seen walking with those elephant legs." She expects her boyfriend to then compliment her legs in some way, but he's too busy wondering what kind of insults his buddies are hurling his way because he's sitting off in a corner, not watching the game. Eventually they get into a fight and leave halfway through the third quarter.  

Now, how do we get all these people together and still have a good time? One word: gambling. 

Since my Bills haven't been to the Super Bowl in seventeen years, I tend to gravitate towards gambling come Super Bowl Sunday. Like a true degenerate, I tend to gamble on every play and then on the commercials, but above all, I especially love the ridiculousness of Prop Bets. Prop bets are a great way to get everyone at your Super Bowl party in on the action. Everyone loves to gamble -- that's a fact (okay, that may not actually be a fact). These bets are there for the football fan and non-fan alike. They are generally 50/50 bets and can make a a nice side conversation for the people that are too busy eating and drinking to watch the game. This way, everyone gets some common ground. Since prop bets encompass almost everything you can think of, just bring a bit of cash with you and put some money down on anything from the first score to what songs The Who will sing at half time. Not only does it bring the group together, it gets everyone to shut up, enjoy themsleves, and watch the game. 

Here are some of my favorite prop bets for Sunday along with my insane rationale behind their outcomes:

How many times will CBS show Kim Kardashian on TV during the game (+/- 2.5) -- Over. Especially if they have a camera stationed behind her.  

Archie Manning References (+/- 5.5) -- Way over. Phil Simms needs something to fill the gaps when he's not talking about himself.

Pro Bowl References (+/- 3.5) -- Under. Unless they get them all out of the way in the first five minutes, what would be the point of talking about that travesty of a so-called game?

First Score Field Goal/Safety (+155)

No three unanswered scores (+140)

Super Bowl MVP -- Reggie Wayne (10/1) 

Passing Yards: Drew Brees (+/- 300.5) -- Over. Brees and company will probably need to play catch up all day

How Long will it take for Carrie Underwood to sing the National Anthem -- Over 1m 42 (+170). Maybe it's just me, but the more people watching the game, the longer the anthem lasts.

Total receiving yards: Pierre Thomas (+/- 23.5) -- Over. Come on, that could be one catch for Lucky Pierre

Longest rush from scrimmage: Reggie Bush (+/- 12.5) -- Under. Bush will be an impact in the receiving game, not rushing the ball. 

Total receiving yards on first reception: Devery Henderson (+/-10.5) -- Over. The law of averages says any given Henderson catch will be around 16 yards.

Total Sacks: Will Smith (+/- 0.5) -- Under. Don't expect the Fresh Prince to come within a stones throw of Manning, let alone get close enough to get Jiggy with him. 

Total Receptions: Reggie Wayne (+/- 6) -- Way over. 

Total Receptions: Austin Collie (+/- 4) -- Over 

Winning team in coin flip -- Saints (-110) - The NFC has won the toss seven years in a row

Team that scores first wins -- NO (+150) 

How many yards will the first touchdown be -- 16-25 yards (9/2)

Which Super Bowl Ad will have a higher rating in USA Today's annual Ad meter -- Other (13/5). There's always a new breakout commercial  

How long will the first field goal be -- 37-43 yards (7/2) 

Total Points by both teams -- 66-70 (8/1) 

Will both teams make a 33+ yard field goal in the game -- Yes (+170) 

What color Gatorade will be dumped on the winning coaches head -- Clear/Water (37/20). Since I expect the Colts to win, I anticipate a conservative color. Also, if the BCS Championship taught us anything, it won't be red.

and.......

The Lock of the Year is......

How many times will the announcers mention Hurricane Katrina (+/- 2.5) -- Are you kidding me? I think I would take the over on 35 mentions. Hell, it wouldn't shock me to see an entire segment dedicated to hurricane.     

Did I miss someone? Comment below and/or reach Pat Mayo at  This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it